After the KT Event

After the asteroid impact, the lawn flamingo evolved to become the most fearsome predator of the Cretaceous. Here a pack strips the flesh from a Tyrannosaurus so fast she doesn't even have time to collapse.

The I-Zombie Apocalypse is Nigh.

Lifted this one off of Facebook

Just about sums up my perceptions.

Will no one rid us of this meddling zombie?

The Americans With No Abilities Act

Too good to pass up:

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President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

Found at "The View From Chaos Manor" by Jerry E. Pournelle

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H/T to The Libertarian Enterprise

Chastity Belts for Men

NSFW

I tried really hard to come up with some appropriate commentary on The Chastity Belt for Men but my poor wordsmithing skills failed me.

I am humbled

H/T to The Advice Goddess

TSA Bumper Stickers

Found these over at The Unwanted Blog

Tribute to Ray Bradbury

The Upright Citizens Brigade does a tribute to Ray Bradbury.

Not safe for work -- see it here or here

Sign of the Times?

Recently received in E mail:

Instant Hitman

This obviously a joke and in very poor taste but I still found it funny.

What is History?

Is it the same thing over and over again? Or one damned thing after another? Here is a story illustrating both theories:

BOSTON, April 19

- National Guard units seeking to confiscate a cache of recently banned assault weapons were ambushed on April 19th by elements of a para-military extremist faction. Military and law enforcement sources estimated that 72 were killed and more than 20 injured before government forces were compelled to withdraw.

Speaking after the clash, Massachusetts Governor Thomas Gage declared that the extremist faction, which was made up of local citizens, has links to the radical right-wing tax protest movement. Gage blamed the extremists for recent incidents of vandalism directed against internal revenue offices.

The governor, who described the group's organizers as "criminals," issued an executive order authorizing the summary arrest of any individual who has interfered with the government's efforts to secure law and order.

The military raid on the extremist arsenal followed wide-spread refusal by the local citizenry to turn over recently outlawed assault weapons. Gage issued a ban on military-style assault weapons and ammunition earlier in the week. This decision followed a meeting in early April between government and military leaders at which the governor authorized the forcible confiscation of illegal arms. One government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, pointed out that "none of these people would have been killed had the extremists obeyed the law and turned their weapons over voluntarily."

"Government troops initially succeeded in confiscating a large supply of outlawed weapons and ammunition. However, troops attempting to seize arms and ammunition in Lexington met with resistance from heavily-armed extremists who had been tipped off regarding the government's plans.

During a tense standoff in Lexington's town park, National Guard Colonel Francis Smith, commander of the government operation, ordered the armed group to surrender and return to their homes. The impasse was broken by a single shot, which was reportedly fired by one of the right-wing extremists. Eight civilians were killed in the ensuing exchange.

Ironically, the local citizenry blamed government forces rather than the extremists for the civilian deaths. Before order could be restored, armed citizens from surrounding areas had descended upon the guard units. Colonel Smith, finding his forces over-matched by the armed mob, ordered a retreat.

Governor Gage has called upon citizens to support the state/national joint task force in its effort to restore law and order. The governor has also demanded the surrender of those responsible for planning and leading the attack against the government troops. Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and John Hancock, who have been identified as "ringleaders" of the extremist faction, remain at large.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
-George Santayana 1863-1952

Courtesy of Big Gay Al's Big Gay (Gun) Blog

Oral Arguments in McDonald v Chicago translated

Into Text Messaging Dialect. 

It really is funny.

Darwin Award winners revealed

Full text below. Original is here

Two bank robbers have been declared winners of the 2009 Darwin Awards after they blew themselves up while trying to crack open a cash machine.

The Belgian pair used so much explosive to get their hands on the money that they destroyed the whole bank building.

When police arrived at the scene, they found one of them with severe head injuries, and rushed him to hospital where he died shortly after arrival.
Investigators initially assumed that his accomplice had managed a getaway, but the second one's body was excavated from the debris twelve hours later.

Wendy Northcutt, the founder of the annual awards, declared them the 2009 winners of the Darwin Awards, given to those "doing the most to improve the human gene pool by removing themselves from it".

The bank robbers just edged ahead of their main rival Shawn Motero who was stuck in a traffic crawl in Florida when he needed to answer a call of nature.
With no toilet handy, he got out of the car before jumping over a concrete wall to find a more secluded spot.

Unfortunately, the 30-year-old had not realised he was on a bridge, and fell 65 feet to his death. Award organisers said it proved you should "look before you leak".

In third place was the first ever woman to be nominated for the award. Rosanne Tippett drove her moped into a flooded river, despite the warning signs.

She was rescued by police, but died after jumping back into the river in an attempt to recover the two-wheeler.

Main Darwin Awards Page

The Darwin Awards are given for exceptionally stupid behavior and lack of judgement. Commonplace stupidities like smoking in bed are excluded. The Awards are often criticized as demonstrating "insensitivity" but I think they serve as examples of the kind of thinking to avoid. We live in a dangerous world and the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of another person should be welcome.

Five Minutes after the Rapture

It's not what you think. Read it here

The Economy is so Bad

Gathered from an assortment of places.

The economy is so bad that:

• When I ordered a burger at McDonald's the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
• Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
• McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
• Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
• The Mafia is laying off judges.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrens' names.

To top it off, Congress claims they are investigating Bernard Madoff. The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Medical Opinions on Deathcare

Originally found here: The AMA On Health Care Reform

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Universal Health Plan.

• Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
• The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
• The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
• Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
• Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
• The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
• Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
• The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
• The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
• The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "no".

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

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